Okay so i've been looking at the thingy on the side and man it has been a huge long time since i posted a journal here or at SA. So today i'm posting a new thing and i'm going to cut and paste it to both so i'm going to talk about situations all around.

So first off i see that the first thing that i need to talk about is my dad. On my last entry i was coming to terms with my dad's situation and about how he was going to die eventually and i didn't know what i was going to do but guess what he died. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't sudden and it was something that we all was going to expect but i was stunned. In August he died. I guess i need to come to terms with that but how can a girl comes to terms with loosing her daddy.

I was always daddy's little girl. I tried not to be that way but it was just the way things were growing in my house. I was the baby and then i was sick so it was all about our bond and he had a great bond with us all but he and i were just we were everything to each other. he was sick for a whole year and i never went to see him because i couldn't take seeing him that way.

The cancer was killing him and just like with my mom i didn't go and see him and everyday since i didn't go and see her i regretted it and you know what it's starting all over again with my dad and i know i know that i should have known that i was going to feel this way but i feel this way and once again it's something can't be solved now. But i don't know what to do. I see him every where i turn and that's not good. I miss him so much. His birthday is coming up and it'll be the first without him. i had already gotten his gift so yea what i'm going to do. i don't know really. i guess that is just something that you can't turn back time but if i could that would be the one thing that i would so that i could tell him one more time that i love him. Although the last day i did see him while he was alive and well and i hugged and kissed him goodbye i made sure that was indeed what i said so he knows.

Okay on to some other business that pissed me off. Lets talk about the website [link]. They are bastards. They make this rule where you have to name where you get all the images for your artwork and yea i'm all about that. i agree that this is something that you should do. so i was taking the time going through my gallery of like three years from the front to back and back to front just in case the day for them to destroy me well get this i'm almost done and you know what happens? They get me without a fucking warning. you are supposed to be given a warning you know. they didn't though. It's all good though i'm totally going to add all my stuff back and then i'm adding something to where i get them and then what will they do. But man i'm still pissed. I had been adding stuff for years and now they do this. Oh well what can you do.

later days

latoya

So i am trying to come to terms with my dad situation. My dad has cancer and in October he had a stroke. Since then he has come back from near death which is a good thing but he's refusing any kind of care. It's really bothering me because well his cancerous tumor's were huge but now they aren't that big but if he continues to act this way he's going to die. So i need to come to terms with that.

i don't know how i can you know. everyone in my family are just waiting for me to go nuts cause he and i are so close you know nad they think that well when it happens i'm going to crash. I find myself speaking to him in past tense and i hate that. Then i've only been to see him three times since then and i know that is wrong but i just can't see him that way cause that's not my dad and then it pisses me off cause he could be better if he wanted to be but he doesn't want to be he chooses to be an asshole and then i find myself wanting to walk in that hospital room and slap the shit out of him but then i realize what good will that do really? None at all. god i'm just so lost and i just wanna die sometimes.


Thanks those who listened.

latoya

I don't know i need to scream and i to shout and cry and shoot and cry some more but i have to put on a brave face because i'm suppose to be aware but i'm not and i think that i'm dying some inside. I'm going to post this to all of my journals and if you are my friend at other places i'm sorry that you see this in duplicates but i need to talk and this is my only outlet because i don't, i just can't do this in front of my family because i'm suppose to be strong and you know what i'm not.

I love my father. He's all that i have left. I mean sure i have my own family but he's my father and we're too close for words. He had Cancer and then in October he had a stroke and i swear i just can't take it. I've only been to see him once. I've talked to him but today my god today it was different.

My sister called to check on him because we've been having dreams about him escaping from the hospital that he's at and well today the call was different. He was different. I put the phone to my ear and the voice i heard it wasn't his it was incoherent and i think my hurt stopped while i listened. All the hairs on the back on head stood up and i just had the feeling you know. The feeling deep down that his time is up.

He's dying you know. He has refused all help and because he's mind is lucid we can't make him take the treatment. We're trying to make it so but we can't because well we can't. I'm so fucking scared. My mom was all that i had she and my dad. She left me when i was sixteen and i can't loose him i just can't.

When i got off the phone i just left the house. No one noticed. I went out for a ride. My little one and i. i just i can't take it if it happens. What will i do? How will i go on? He's my dad. I need him so much and i'll die if he dies. if he dies i think i'll die too, i know i will. i've been on edge all night and i feel funny and i need someone to talk too and the house is full of people and they are going on like there's nothing going on and they say this is how he always is but i can't take it. I just feel like a part of me is dying and that is what scares me the most. That's what scares me. that if i feel this way then it must be happening and how the fuck am i suppose to accept it.

Thanks for listening.

001. Name → LaToya,
002. Nickname →U Toy Toya
003. Status → Attached
004. Zodiac sign → Aquarius
005. Male or female → Female.
006. Elementary → Rains Centenary Elementary
007. Middle School → same
008. High School → Terrell’s Bay High School
009. Smart → Common-sense wise. Book-smart, no.
010. Hair color → Red and Curly
011. Long or short → Afroish
012. Loud or Quiet → Loud
013. Sweats or Jeans → Sweats, Jeans nothing girly all about the boy style
014. Phone or Camera →hone
015. Health freak → Hell No
016. Drink or Smoke? → Neither
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → Celebrity, yes. Normal yea but he‘s dead.
018. Eat or Drink → both
019. Piercings → wouldn’t you like to know where
020. Tattoos → wouldn’t you like to know what

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → Ears (only piercings)
024. First best friend → Cheryl. We were cousins and unseperable what ever she did I did where ever she went I went but then she got all pretty and now she’s a bitch and I loathe her.
026. First crush → Antron I told him I liked him and then he went to camp and told me he wasn‘t coming back. He drowned there..
027. First pet → Pup Pup a dog
028. First big vacation → what’s a vacation?
030. First big birthday → still waiting on that one

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → nothing
050. Drinking → nothing
052. I'm about to →finish this quiz up.
054. Plans for today → the day is over so I shall stay up all night fucking around on the net.

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids? → yup
059. Want to get married? → Marriage is good
060. Careers in mind → law abiding citizen by day criminal mastermind by night.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
068. Lips or eyes → Eyes
070. Shorter or taller? → Taller than me.
072. Romantic or spontaneous → both
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → Arms. So he can grip all this gorgeousness
074. Sensitive or loud → loud
075. Hook-up or relationship → relationship but I quick fuck ain’t bad
077. Trouble maker or hesitant → hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → All The Time
081. Ran away from home → Thought about it but was too afraid to leave the porch
084. Broken someone's heart → nope but my was constantly trampled on
085. Been arrested → Nope but I keep trying
087. Cried when someone died → YES

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → yes
090. Miracles →yes
091. Love at first sight → yes
092. Heaven → yes but I hear hell’s the shit
093. Santa Claus → Santa Claus Satan same damn guy
094. Sex on the first date → If he can get it up
095. Kiss on the first date → Yea with lots of tongue


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → no
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → Fuck NO
099. Do you believe in God → I am god. Seriously yea I believe in the big guy.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag people.


Tag ur it.

Well the twilight movie is coming and the new book just came out. So i know that i like to read and have a copy on my computer as well so here's a gift from me 2 you.

[link]

It's the ebook to Twilight Book 4 Breaking Dawn. Enjoy.